with Kathryn Mahoney

I'm Such A Wetnork!

No, that's not a typo in the title. Wetnork is a name used to refer to someone, namely me, who is put in a networking situation and fails miserably. My roommate from college coined the phrase by accident when she was preparing for a public speaking class. Every time she got to the word 'network' in her speech what came out was something that sounded like some sort of alien greeting.

"Through a series of connecting computers the scientists were able to form a wetnork to send their data."

"Maria did you know you just said wetnork?"

"No, I didn't."

"Uh, yeah ya did."

"OK, let me just keep going."

"And via this wetnork the scientists were able to..."

"Uh, Maria, you just did it again."

"Oh no! My speech is tomorrow. I hope I don't do it then. I'll feel like such a, such a…"

"Wetnork?"

"Yeah."

I can't remember if she repeated this blunder in her speech, but what I do remember is this word stuck around for months after. When anybody did anything stupid, one of us was right there to say, "Dude, you're such a wetnork."

Well, it's been about 20 years since that fateful phrase was uttered and I had forgotten all about it until recently when I was attending my third Erma Bombeck Writing Conference in Dayton, Ohio. The conference is attended by 300 humor writers from all over the United States and Canada and is a great opportunity to attend seminars given by
professionals in the industry, and also a time to do the thing I dread most of all...network.

I love the part of the writing life that involves working from home, setting my own hours, wearing anything or not wearing anything my heart desires, and drinking coffee until it's seeping out of my pores, but what I don't like is having to interact with those two-legged creatures called "people." It's not that I dislike people per se, it's the fact that when I meet someone new I tend to get tongue-tied or say something stupid. It's something I'm constantly working on, but I did find comfort in the fact that according to this year's keynote speaker, Dave
Barry, this "foot-in-the-mouth" syndrome even happens to the pros.

To humor writers like myself, Dave Barry is the god of humor writing and the late Erma Bombeck was the goddess. So, when Dave Barry spoke, we all listened. As expected, his speech was very humorous especially the story he shared about his early days as a journalist. He was at a press conference at the White House covering a story and was asked to pose with the then first lady, Barbara Bush, and the rest of the press crew for a photograph. He was positioned next to Mrs. Bush and he joked in his speech that, "In my brain I knew I should keep my mouth shut so I wouldn't embarrass myself, but apparently my mouth wasn't on board." 

He was living in Florida at the time and as the photographer was getting ready to snap the shot Mr. Barry blurted to Mrs. Bush, "I shop in the same grocery store as your son, Jeb." Clearly not a stellar
moment for this then struggling writer, but as you would expect Mrs. Bush didn't put salt in the wound by saying what she was probably thinking, which was, "Who the heck cares." Instead, she just chuckled and smiled graciously. And what did Mr. Barry do? He was captured with a red-faced grimace in this once-in-a-lifetime photo op.

So what did I do when getting my picture taken with Mr. Barry during his book signing at the conference? I said, "Well, I've been standing in line trying to think of something witty to say to you, but instead of embarrassing myself like you did with Barbara Bush, I think I'll just stand here and say nothing." And what did Mr. Barry do? He chuckled
and smiled graciously while I was captured with a red-faced grimace in this once-in-a-lifetime photo op.

The good news…at least I know I have one thing in common with Dave Barry. The bad news…I'm such a wetnork!