[] A drunk passenger jumped from a Carnival cruise ship off the coast of Miami and survived eight hours in 70 degree water. (USA Today 3/17)

Saved after someone tossed him an emergency midnight buffet.
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[] Cate Blanchett announced that she'll star opposite Harrison Ford in "Indiana Jones IV." (Associated Press 3/18)

She'll play Indiana's caregiver.
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[] Former nanny Melissa Dumas will write a tell-all book about her former boss, Madonna. (Associated Press 3/18)

Who she'll claim once threw Rosie O'Donnell at her.
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[] "Fashion Week" kicked off in Los Angeles. (Associated Press 3/18)

Hottest new summer outfit----the "Depends Bikini" from Malibu's Nutty Astronaut Swimwear.
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[] The 555 passenger Super Jumbo Airbus weighs over a million pounds. (Associated Press 3/18)

A quarter of which is luggage belonging to passengers on other planes.
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"I know what I believe. I will continue to articulate what I believe and what I believe...  I believe what I believe is right."

George W. Bush       6/22/2001     Rome, Italy
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[] Pete Rose has admitted that he bet on every Cincinnati Reds game while their manager. (Cable News Network 3/19)

But staying within the rules.  He swears he used a designated bookie.
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[] Heather Mills will compete on "Dancing With The  Stars." (Cable News Network 3/19)

Yoko Ono is already demanding a voter boycott.
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[] Barack Obama is closing the gap on Democratic front-runner Hillary Clinton. (Time Magazine   3/26)

Who is pulling out all the stops.  Last night, she burned a pantsuit on his front lawn.
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[] Snowstorms caused US Airways to strand 100,000 passengers across the country. (Cable News Network 3/19)

Many of whom begged security officers to frisk them----just to keep warm.
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[] The FBI reports that $2.5 billion will be bet on the NCAA Championships. (Time Magazine   3/27)

Office betting the J Edgarites are good at----it's laptop computers they can't seem to keep track of.
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Bob's book, "Hope Writer:  On the Road With Bob Hope," recounting his hilarious adventures as a writer for the legendary comedian, is now available FREE online:
www.Hope-Writer.blogspot.com
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[] In Greece, "300" topped all comers in box office grosses. (ABC News  3/14)

Oiled bodies writhing in mortal combat...  hey, it's Greece.
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[] Ex-Senator Fred Thompson may make a presidential bid in 2008. (Associated Press 3/19)

Next to Bush, even an aging ham actor is starting to look good.
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"If you don't have any ambitions, the minimum-wage job isn't going to get you where you want to get, for example. In other words, what is your ambitions? And, oh, by the way if that is your ambition, here's what it's going to take to achieve it."

George W. Bush       8/29/2002     Little Rock, AK
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[] Bill Maher will host a documentary on world religions to be released in theaters in the fall. (Cable News Network 3/15)

Closely followed by sequels on Tarot card reading, astrology and UFO's.
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[] Los Angeles will install cameras in its police partol cars. (USA Today 3/19)

Edited versions of the police beating up suspects are expected to go directly to DVD.
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[] The trial of Phil Spector, accused of murdering Lana Clarkson, has begun in Los Angeles. (Associated Press 3/19)

Picking a jury of his peers may be a problem----unless O.J., Bobby Blake and Michael Jackson answer their summonses.

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[]  Regis Philbin undergoes triple heart bypass surgery. (USA Today 3/13)

After his doctors told him he'd face death----or worse, turn into Dick Cheney.
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[] Local priests in Mexico cleansed Myan ruins of "evil spirits" after Bush visit. (Associated Press 3/13)

Which came as quite a surprise since everyone thought Rove had stayed behind in Washington.
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[] New film "300" glorifies the "Spartan Code" embraced by Marines celebrating war, militarism and battlefield carnage. (Los Angeles Times 3/14)

Bush calls it a "date movie."
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[] Marine General Peter Pace calls gay troops "immoral." (Associated Press 3/14)

Tsk, tsk...  and after they provided all those muscular, oiled bodies that make the "Spartan Code" so much fun.
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[] Only 62% of West Point graduates stay beyond their five-year commitment. (USA Today 3/12)

Looks like a cushy job at Halliburton or Fox News  trumps the good ol' Spartan Code.
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[] VIP suites at Walter Reed Army Hospital are reserved for government dignitaries, Supreme Court justices, visiting world leaders and enlisted men who have won the Congressional Medal of Honor. (USA Today 3/16)

And even then, only if they agree to another tour in Iraq.
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"I think we are welcomed.  But it was not a peaceful welcome."

George W. Bush     12/12/2005    Philadelphia
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[] Pope Benedict XVI tells Catholics:  "Abortion, gay marriage and priestly celibacy are not negotiable." (USA Today 3/14)

Like, say, the civil damages Father Feely incurred  buggering altar boys.
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[] In his new book,"John Paul II, My Beloved," the pope calls Bob Dylan a "false prophet." (Associated Press 3/12)

I know what you're thinking.  What's that "beloved" all about.
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[] Ford will offer a line of pink Mustangs aimed at the female market. (Associated Press 3/12)

Equipped pretty much the same as the male version except the air conditioner has three settings "Too hot," "Just Right" and "Wait a minute, I changed my mind."
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[] Kohler is now offering home builders "his" and "hers" toilets. (USA Today 3/16)

Guess which one's seat is permanently up.
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[] Rappers Grand Master Flash and the Furious Five were inducted in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. (Cable News Network 3/12)

That low rumble you hear is the Big Bopper, Buddy Holley and Richie Valens----shifting positions.
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"I am going to work with every Cabinet member to set a series of goals for each Cabinet."

George W. Bush     1/2/2001     Austin, TX
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[] University of Holy Land paleographer challenges Cameron's docu "Last Tomb of Jesus," claiming he has proof that Mary Magdalene was buried with another woman named Martha. (Associated Press 3/14) 

Shocking enough Jesus had a wife.  Now it looks like he married a lesbian.