Relax, Mom, Will You?

I could just about pee my pants I’m so excited. (And no, it doesn’t take much after multiple pregnancies, but that’s not the point.) After reading the latest edition of a local parenting magazine, one of life’s great mysteries has been solved for me. I have to tell you, this conundrum has so plagued and perplexed me over the course of time that it’s even prevented me from focusing on such critical tasks as cleaning the toilet bowl. But nasty brown ring, beware, my problem has been solved, and your days are numbered.

"Dear lady," you say, "tell us what you have discovered." Okay, all right. Take a deep breath. You will never believe it, but I swear it’s true. Right there sandwiched between an innocuous ad for an art camp and a list of Mother’s Day gift ideas was an article containing, not one, but a gazillion suggestions for what I, as a mother, can do to relax. You know, during my spare time.

And the ideas themselves (bite my lip and brush a tear away)…they left me speechless. If only I could share them all. But out of respect for time, space and my sanity, I’ll merely wet your appetite with a sampling of the crème de la crème.

Idea #1 (brace yourself): Spend a few minutes writing an encouraging note to yourself. (Because, really, aren’t you the one who least appreciates all of your hard work? If only one day you came across a flowery piece of stationery perched on the bathroom vanity that said, “I notice every sacrifice you make. You’re the best,” and it was signed by you, wouldn’t it all be worth it?)

Idea #2: Stand peacefully in the stillness of the morning to center you for the day ahead. (Okay, so you’ll have to get up at four o’ clock if you hope to encounter stillness anywhere in your house, and you’ll probably wake the baby who just finished nursing at three, but you gotta admit, the idea sounds calming.)

Idea #3 (this is my favorite): Dive into your closet and have fun with a bout of dress-up to discover new outfits for an upcoming event. (Apparently, when you are blessed with time to relax, you’ll also be the lucky recipient of a wardrobe genie. Not only will this apparition have the ability to figure out your current size from the pre-baby, pregnancy and post-baby clothes already in your closet, but he’ll also be able to whisk up a new outfit and a must-attend event to wear it to. Personally, I’m hoping for a Versace and an invitation to the Oscars.)

By the time I finished reading the ideas, I was left wondering, Who wrote such inspiration and how did this person know the only obstacle between me and relaxation was a lack of imagination? Surely there’s a book deal in the making here. And wouldn’t you know, right there in the byline was the title. It’s no wonder the rest of us struggle to publish books. All the good ideas are already taken. 

Okay, I know, my thinly veiled annoyance is showing through, isn’t it? I can hear my daughter’s voice now, “Mom, you’re being sarcastic, not funny.”

“Yes, honey, you’re right,” I say back. “It’s because I don’t know how to relax.”

Where is that article anyway? Maybe once I find it, I can also locate the time and motivation to try out Idea #4: Finger paint a place you’d like to visit someday. On second thought, maybe I’ll just get back to that brown ring in the toilet bowl.